The Rum Drinker

A long long time ago I read an article about a far far away land where elephants would ransack villages in order to steel and drink rum. Imagine a herd of those juggernauts crashing their way into your local bar... Wouldn't that be a story.
Anyway, not too long ago I found myself at a zoo and one of the elephants there caught my eye. We'll call him Sarabi. Sarabi was a big, mean looking fucker. Remembering the article and after a closer look, I realized he also had a bit of bitterness in his eyes; like a disgruntled drinker who's been barred from his local establishment. It must have been awhile since his last drink as zoos tend to have a no-alcohol policy. The thing is, elephants have good memory, so I'm pretty sure this sad bastard hasn't forgotten the bittersweet nectar that makes your problems go away, that gets your heart racing and that changes you from a shy introvert into a charmingly funny guy when talking to pretty elephant girls. No. Sarabi hasn't forgotten.
For a second he looks at me and I think to myself: I understand your pain my friend, but if it's a Saturday night and you try to put your paws on my rum and coke, you and me are going to have a problem, you over-sized steroid-doused peanut muncher. Buy your own fucking drinks, Sarabi.

The Argument Pooper

Once upon a time an ex-girlfriend and I were having an argument. We never fought more than some light showers that we quickly forgot and laughed about later, but this time it was different. We were both lost in a thunderstorm of angry words.
This was something that our cat had never seen before. Her mom and dad yelling at each other with rage in their hearts. Maybe it was fear or confusion or maybe this cat was just as incredible as I had always believed. Without any warning, the cat walks to the middle of us two fighters and with a couple of angry meows, poops on the floor! She then disdainfully walks away barely looking at us like a disgruntled teenager who hates her arguing parents. To that day she had never pooped anywhere except in her litter box. The ex and I looked in disbelief at her and than at the poop and finally at each other. We both started laughing, uncontrollably. Needless to say the argument ended right there and that the stink of the steaming little turd brought us young lovers back into each other's arms.
Thank you, Mia.