"Sometimes I feel this twitch, like a needle stabbing one of my
temples. Other times, I feel
something like a hand grabbing my heart. It only lasts for a few seconds, but
in that short amount of time I feel death hovering over me… I have a genetic
predisposition for heart attacks and brain hemorrhages, so every time I feel one of those twitches, I wonder if this is it. I wonder if my fuse, drenched in
gunpowder or some other highly inflammable substance, has finally burned out
and if life is just about to end. I can see the burning end of the fuse
taunting me, but I can't grasp how long it is or how fast it's burning. I’m
still breathing, but I know it won't be for long. All my bad habits are making the fuse burn faster.
The fuse is getting shorter every passing minute and I'm terrified."
we only live once so we better make the most out of it. :) nice blog!
ReplyDeleteNot that it's a particularly scary post, but its eerie as hell. Makes me think of my own mortality. Which isn't a bad thing...
ReplyDeleteI feel death hovering on occasion as well, but instead of it being a fuze, it's more like an unexpected guest.
ReplyDeleteLife is so fleeting, every second counts. He should probably end those bad habits that make the fuse burn faster.
ReplyDeleteZenZen - very true. thanks.
ReplyDeleteJay - i think its always important to remember how fragile we are.
Jorg - unexpected and uninvited.
Elizabeth - maybe he should, but if we didn't enjoy our 'bad habits', life probably wouldn't have the same flavor.
There was a guy that rented the basement apartment where I live a couple of months ago. He seemed like a nice guy, a little younger than I, but had bad diabetes. Now he had a rough time and had ended up in a shelter before getting with my landlord to rent the place. He was really happy to get his freedom and loved the place, and started boozing it up down there.
ReplyDeleteNot long after there was no noise or sign of him being around. Then the smell started. At first we thought it was a sewer backup somewhere and thought our landlord would take care of it soon.
But no landlord for days, and the smell kept getting worse and worse, an oily shit-rotten-sewage-meat stench that pervaded the nostrils, then the big flies started showing up in the kitchen.
Finally the landlord found him, and the cops showed up with the fire department. He had died in his bed, and was quietly rotting down there. Partying and not eating right isn't the thing to do when you're a type one diabetic.
A couple of days later I ventured down to the basement to check out the scene. The smell was still there a little, but the bed, fuck! You could tell where he was 'cause he had leaked out of his ass and it made a print of his torso and top of his legs on the mattress. The main part of the leakage where his ass was caved in the mattress in a large funnel shape, and that part was covered with maggots.
The next day the bed made it to the dump.
Every day may be our last true, so live it like the last day I say! - but take it easy! I for one am not done yet, and I'm not gonna rush things by fucking up my health any more.
lol, now I wanna go get drunk.
David - wow, that's a pretty graphic story. thanks for sharing it. i know what you mean, but it's hard to define that line. so many, especially rockers and writers, have lost their lives at a young age, but through their work you know they really lived it out. others, live it out with the same intensity or joy, but through healthier habits. are these first people crazy? are these other people pussies? i think its about personal choices, i can't really say which is best.
ReplyDeleteDavids story is very blunt and touching... I catched myself holding my breath while I read some of his phrases.
ReplyDeleteBut that's what reality is like. Even the thing with the maggots... You can see it as gross or you can see it as one faded life that gives other creatures nourishment. It seems that t his isn't the point but well it has something to do with realising the way all living beings have to go and to see it in a different way. And Davids story starts the discussion about how to deal with your life while you have it. If you know you have diabetes, will you go on drinking and eating candy and all things that are bad for you and enjoy life even if it will be shortened then or will you abstain all of it and have less fun in a life that lasts longer? Well, we all know the risks but for some people who don't care because they are to dumb to because they think " it will happen to all the others except me". We decide which way to go.
And to Seize Gabriels suggestion with rockers and writers and their short life... We remember the old artists of the last centuries, don't we? For most of them Absynthe has been the number one drug back then. People even say that Van Gogh didn't have a Tinnitus but was high because of the Absynthe when he cut his ear off. Somehow it is sad that so many creative people are used to be stoned or drunk to fully exploit their talents.
Death is interesting I think. Aside from birth, there's not much that compares. But I wonder if the fear at birth and the fear at death are equal. Seems likely, no?
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered how,when and where this uninvited thing would take me.Its always like knowing our judgement day, our lives become hellish.So thump it hard and live it like a legend.cheers...
ReplyDeleteThe eerie thing about this? I happen to have an extreme phobia for heart attacks...
ReplyDeleteP.S. I don't know if you do this kind of things, but you won an award!
http://redandsticky.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-got-award-again.html
Kat - you're right about some people being dumb, but it's a hard choice to make. living it like a rock-star is an extreme example, but what about small ones like eating pizza and not exercising? it might seem irrelevant when we're young, but in a few decades we'll feel those choices bring health problems closer. how much of life should we enjoy before it threatens us? only we, individually, can say.
ReplyDeleteJMH - that's probably why we scream so much when we're born. religion gives comfort to some, but for most of us, knowing that all of this will end some day, is definitely a scary thought.
BASE - knowing those answers would probably make our life hell, but it might also make some of us appreciate our loved ones more or make us do that thing we always wanted to do instead of wasting time with something meaningless. who knows? 'live it like a legend!' sounds good to me.
Kaijinu - thanks for the award, mate. i guess most of us have that fear of impending sudden doom. we just give it different causes. it's best not to dwell too much on it and make everyday count.
Flash t-shirt! *.*
ReplyDeletewe can be as fast as the Flash, but we can't outrun our fuse.
ReplyDelete